Tuesday, March 27, 2012

25 random things about me

1. I believe in God
2. I’m a drama queen …. I looooooove drama. I’m the queen of chaos … hehehe
3. I’m kwayzeeeeeeeeeeee
4. I have a cheeky 10 year old son
5. I totally believe that age is just a bunch of numbers (because I have loads of them)
6. I love watching cartoons and reading children books (shh don’t tell nobody)
7. I love dancing. I dance like a crazy 16year old.
8. I’m kwayzee about my son
9. I’m a very energetic person, as in I jump outta bed, sing while working and just generally zip around. I zip, I don’t walk. I’m an exercise freak
10. I don’t feel short, although I’m below 5”2 I still feel tall (maybe bcos I adore wearing high heeled shoes)
11. I love music, I’m a schizophrenic when it comes to music and reading
12. I read during church service, especially the boring bits. I’ve missed my bus stop on several occasions because I was reading. I read when I’m on a long trek, I read at parties, I read to avoid socializing with snobs, I read just because… I usually have, at least, three books in my bag at every given time
13. I’ve become addicted to jogging. I pray while jogging.
14. I used to be a chain smoker (2packs) now I’m totally over that addiction … I think
15. I’m street smart, very independent and adventurous
16. I love dancing with my son on Saturday mornings to very loud music
17. I sing in my bath (offkey baybee)
18. I’ve been blonde. I’ve been brunette .Right now my hair is black with brown tips. I’m thinking blonde again.
19. I believe money is like fertilizer … spread it and it will germinate
20. I hate injustice and believe that snobs are basically insecure people with inferiority complex.
21. I have loads of great friends
22. I can eat anything as long as it has stopped moving
23. I love beautiful shoes, sexy underwear, old and faded but comfortable jean trousers, body fitting tops and I so adore stilettos and bags (hint hint) 
24. I speak fluent sarcasm. I can be extremely cynical.
25. I can switch off completely from people who have truly offended me. It’s like switching off the light. I see them and it’s like I never loved them before. I don’t hate them, I just become totally indifferent to them and that’s the scariest aspect of my life. It’s eerie and I just don’t know how NOT to do it. Once that switch is off … hasta de la byebye 

The Filipino Connection (pardon my French)

Nigerians are crazy.

Over and again we show the world how ridiculous we are as a people. The country is being practically run into the ground by its greedy elites, a lot of whom I sincerely believe need psychoanalysis, because a set of people so determined to put their kith and kin in perpetual bondage and ensure they die of poverty must surely have deep seated psychological problems.

Unfortunately,none of our leaders come from outer space, it would have made everybody’s life easy to simply blame our failing economy, failed educational and health institutions on the Martians. These people are a part of us. Most of them are from poor homes like the rest of us, they suffered through the military regimes and their parochial ways like us. They were once our neighbours, friends and even family members before dabbling into politics. All you have to do is look at our president who lacked footgear while growing up.

So, one wonders why these our so-called leaders, who have suffered, like we are doing presently, from epileptic power supply or lost one relative or more on one of the death traps called expressways, they cannot put in reforms that will surely put this great country of ours on the road to greatness?

I believe I have the answers and these are my theories;

1. That we all inherited a psycho-pathological disease from our ancestors.

2. That this condition is triggered by power (no matter how small). 3. That it is intensified by the acquisition of wealth.

4. That this condition is called MEGALOMANIA.

According to Wikipedia megalomania is a psycho-pathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance and omnipotence. Just think about it, check out all the politicians you know who are presently in power.

That is not all Wikipedia says that other characteristics of this condition are an inflated sense of self-esteem, and an over-estimation by the sufferers, of their powers and beliefs.

If the above were not true, can someone please explain to me the rationale behind the employment of Filipinos as nannies, housekeepers and house boys by ‘Lagos Big Boys’?

It is no news that our ‘international’ schools are riddled with Europeans and Americans. The more Europeans or Americans working in your school, the higher the school fees you can charge. It doesn’t really matter whether these people are qualified or not, or whether they are known or unknown criminals, whether they can even speak the lingua franca of the children they are supposed to be teaching (which is English Language the last time I checked) as long as your skin is white and you speak with a funny accent barely understood by the ‘high class’ children you are teaching.

Now the ante has been upped, the true mark of class and good taste, as far as the jet setting cliques who apparently have more money than sense, is the possession of a Filipino servant.

In a country where most people cannot afford to eat 3meals in a day, they are bringing in illegal immigrants and pay them between $450 and $500 US dollars every month. This translates to about N60,000 naira, which they can never pay any Nigerian working for them in the same capacity.

But then why am I talking like this? What makes a Nigerian look more sophisticated, ‘Real Brazilian Hair’ or tying your hair with thread? Real Brazilian hair of course! Why spot your own kinky, unmanageable hair when you can buy hair off poverty stricken Chinese women? It is long and luscious, and will provoke the envy of all your enemies.

So it follows that you will make a final statement of the fact that you have class, good taste and money when a Filipino nanny holds your bundle of joy while you are spending hard cash at a big, expensive mall. It makes absolute sense to have a well groomed Filipino opening the door to your friends as they come into your home to attend one of those your tasteful parties, and have a Filipino chef prepare all those strange and amazing dinners everyone pretends to enjoy so much.

It all makes absolute sense!

A friend told me that the fad started because people were afraid that their children could be kidnapped by their Nigerian nannies. This makes even more sense due to the fact that ALL Nigerians are kidnappers and they ALL want to kidnap your child because you are the ONLY rich person around.

Thank God for Filipinos because they are ALL honest due to the colour of their skin and the texture of their hair. White denotes HONESTY and they would never do that kind of thing. There are no criminal Filipinos. The fact that they are working in Nigeria without proper papers does NOT make them criminals. The best part is that at the sight of your Filipino nanny, potential kidnappers would be so struck by terror, awe and lust that they will banish the thought of ever kidnapping your child.

At this point I’m even thinking why Filipinos? Why not French au-pairs?

Leaders emerge from the people, people deserve the kind of leaders they get.

Word of advice to job seekers; go bleach your skin, fix real ‘Filipino hair’ and acquire badly spoken English and a peppering of Filipino swear words and you might just get that juicy position as the snotty Filipino nanny taking care of future megalomaniacs.