Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Driving in Nigeria Made Easy

First, I want to say ‘congratulations’ on the acquisition of your new ‘tokunbo tear rubber car’, we go wash am, many more to come o! Next, I want to advice you not to take driving lessons, they are WAY too expensive and those driving instructors don’t know what they are doing anyway. The only thing to do is purchase your drivers license from your favorite ‘hawker’ at the licensing office…it ranges between N5,000 and N10,000 naira…depending on your ‘mugun’ status. Oh and forget that big ‘L’(learner) thingy they ask you to hang on your car…everybody will then be looking at you in a funny way because how can you just be learning how to drive at your age? (Shameless agbaya) so, please to save face, don’t use it.

Now ask one of your friends who can drive to take you to a football field, you can practice there and if there are people on the field, all the better to learn how to be a ‘hit and run’ driver.

Before you leave home…
A. Repeat after me, I AM THE ONLY SANE PERSON ON THE ROAD, EVERYBODY ELSE IS MAD.

B. ALL DANFO DRIVERS ARE YOUR ENEMIES. They are actually not human, once they get behind that danfo steering wheel they become acolytes of the devil, they mutate into…emm…emm cyborgs, no Smiggle…no something worse…I leave the rest to your imagination, but believe me, they are out to get you!

C. Get your road rage in place, so u ask me what road rage is …mmm okay, think of all the bad things that have happened to you recently, if none comes to mind think of the Nigerian government…now you are in the right mood yep! You are VERY angry, angry enough to hit someone, deliberately, in rage. “Yep that’s road rage.”

As you enter your car
a. Try to remember the exact place you’re going, bring out your hand drawn map and stick it to your dashboard “what’s a dashboard? Emmm, emmm that thing in front of you silly! No? What do you mean by no! I’m telling you some…oh that’s your steering wheel silly! Yeah, every other thing is called a dashboard…I think.”

b. Practice the abuses in your ‘Yapping Danfo drivers in Ten Nigerian languages’.

c. Take a deep breath and wish your family members a fond farewell, don’t forget to tell your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/whatever that you love them but Jesus loves them more.

d. Wait! Don’t forget your “Yapping Danfo drivers in Ten Nigerian languages”at home; (enquiries about purchasing the book should be directed to me, thank you) you can put that on your dashboard… “what do you mean by what is a dashboard? Abeg no start again o!”

As you enter the main road
a. Play road hockey with Okadas and their riders, it is allowed. In fact it’s the latest rage in keeping fit.

b. Bring out your dictionary, although the abuses are best in your native language, but for those of us who can’t speak our native tongues because we are too Ajebotaish (better still too dumb) to learn it please bring it out. The abuses are to be rained quickly and with flair.


…to be continued. Watch out for part 2…Grab your copy NOW!!!

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